My journey from fear of worker retribution to a deeper trust in God
By Ashley (Williams) Hom
Months ago, after reading the Canadian Elder’s beautifully expressed letter on Wings For Truth, I was moved to share my own story. It’s taken some time to pull my thoughts together and have the courage to share my story. But that Canadian Letter has stayed with me, I have lived that letter, it echoes my own heart and thoughts. The ending of his letter, the part about not sharing his name for fear of retribution, triggered something within me and inspired me to share my own journey. My journey from fear of the perceived power of workers, to God’s help and guidance to not fear workers and their ability to “take away privileges” or abuse me (spiritually or physically).
For context, my husband and I have a regular Sunday meeting in our home and several of the union meetings per year in our home here in Colorado. We love our fellowship meetings and the sweet friends and workers here in Colorado.
This is my story, my journey from fear to a deeper trust in God:
My parents had a family cabin in Northern Montana. Beginning in the early 90s, we spent most of my childhood vacation time there, and my husband and I were married there. I moved from Minnesota to Montana to attend college full-time in the early 2000s. I knew the overseer Dean Bruer fairly well; we overlapped in a lot of different places (Wyoming and Montana meetings/gospel meetings/conventions) and I admired him and respected him. I decided to schedule a meeting with him in 2009 because my heart was hurting around an issue that felt wrong. I felt a need for understanding and mercy around an issue Dean ruled very harshly on. I drove from Missoula (where I owned a home) to Bozeman in October of 2009 to meet with Dean at the Manhattan Convention grounds. I was welcomed to the house by the woman who lived there. She was the only one home besides Dean and Scott Rauscher. I came with a tender heart and an open mind. I was originally only going to meet with Dean, but these verses came to me, Matthew 18:6 “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”
I knew Scott Rauscher was in the area as well, so I invited him to join our meeting, or he was already at the house, I don’t remember that detail exactly. I thought it would be helpful to have Scott in the room to hear what was on my heart. I met the men in the kitchen and then they led me to another room, they said they wanted to talk in private. When we got into the room, they shut the door behind us, and I remember the room being dark, especially given it was in the middle of the day.
There were only two chairs in the room, the two men sat down and then looked at me and pointed to the floor. They said I should kneel or sit before them. I was feeling so humble and grateful they would meet with me, I didn’t think twice about kneeling before them, so I did. Through a broken heart and tears I tried to explain how my heart was hurting that my dad and many other faithful Godly people couldn’t take part in meetings. I’m not going to dive into the divorce and remarriage issue here, because no matter where you land on the topic, workers should not treat anyone the way they treated me.
I was on my knees pouring out my heart before these two workers, asking for help and understanding of their thinking. I respected these two workers so much and looked up to them as leaders in our church. I asked why a man in the Bozeman meeting who was convicted of sexually molesting his three children was allowed to take part in a meeting with young adults, but people like my dad, who had been faithfully married for 30 years, a Godly man and a wonderful dad, couldn’t? My dad had been silenced in the meetings for 30 years. Then in Minnesota the workers “pardoned” him, and he could take part again after 30 years of silence in MN. However, in Montana divorced and remarried people are not allowed to ever take part in a meeting. Elders in Montana even made it a point to be sure my dad wasn’t allowed to touch or pass the emblems on Sunday.
After asking Dean and Scott for some mercy and explanation of their thoughts on the matter, to my surprise, the two men just laughed at me, made fun of me, belittled me and asked some very odd questions, such as if my brother and I were biological siblings, which we are. But what an odd detail to ask about, given my brother lives in MN and I didn’t even know the workers knew I had a brother, it felt creepy. I remember Dean looking at Scott and saying, “can you even imagine getting remarried?!” and then they both laughed really hard, a very cold mean laugh. (Interesting how sometimes the most self-righteous have the most to hide)
They thought the whole thing was so funny. What felt so off at the time was how the two men were in full lockstep in their thinking and words. Everything Dean said and did, Scott would agree and mimic Dean’s behavior. I remember thinking, I shouldn’t have invited Scott, now these two men are easily ganging up on me and it felt horrible and scary. Whatever I was expecting out of that meeting, this wasn’t it. There was a harsh ruthlessness to their demeanor.
After they continued berating and laughing at me for most of an hour, I decided I’d heard enough, and the Lord put it on my heart to leave. When I stood up to leave, they both reached out to touch me (I can’t remember who, but someone touched my shoulder and knee) and both said “don’t leave. I said “Oh, I’m leaving”. That’s when the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I thought, “Oh I need to get out of here quick!” So, I left in a hurry! I was absolutely devastated by the experience!!
Over the next few days, I called my family and a few close friends to share my experience. To this day those friends and family remember me calling them in despair. I’d never been disappointed by a worker before, not like that, so I was crushed. I still thought they were right, and I was somehow off the narrow way; that I was missing something. It was one of the few times I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I was just hurting so much myself, and hurting for all the people I knew Dean and Scott were affecting with their hard ruling on re-marriage.
Then, a few months later, I didn’t get any sister workers for special meeting rounds in Missoula. (I had a room for workers and had sisters come stay all the previous years I lived there).
So, I asked Scott at a special meeting, “Why no sister workers this year?” He said, “sometimes we lose privileges”.
I was too naive at the time, and it took me some time to understand what he meant. I now understand that because I went to him and Dean with a different opinion and asking questions on a matter, that I would “lose privileges”.
It was very hurtful at the time and one of the hardest emotional things I’ve had to overcome in my life; I truly feel for those who were also physically harmed by Dean. But in God’s wisdom and help our entire family sold our beautiful home in the mountains of West Glacier Montana and moved. In the same week, my brother, Mom, Dad, and I all had on our heart that God said, “Montana is not a healthy spiritual place for you.”
I feel so thankful that God led us out of Montana and to healthier spiritual places. We absolutely loved our home and friends in Montana and to this day I have to pray hard to not look back in remorse at our loss there, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62. It’s wild that two men could have such an influence over the meetings and where we choose to live. Many years later Dean was at Juneau Convention and when I heard him speak in a Sunday meeting before the convention, I broke down in sobs and had to quickly leave the meeting and sobbed for the better part of an hour. His voice was a trigger I had no idea I had; I’d never had anything like that happen before. I can’t even imagine the emotional trauma it must have been for people who were physically abused by Dean and then having to see him again.
I have since become stronger in myself and in my trust in God. Workers and overseers no longer have that power over me, I won’t let them. Workers only have power over our lives and meetings, if we allow them to. We the friends can pray and ask God how to operate our meetings and who should be allowed to share in our meetings and who should be allowed or not at a convention. The workers do not have jurisdiction over our private property or how we choose to encourage and show our love for those we meet with. Do we answer to God or workers? That’s a question I’ve been asking myself, whose approval am I looking for? God’s, I hope.
Workers can’t take away what matters most, our relationship with God and Christ. The workers are not our avenue to our relationship with God, therefore not going to this church does not mean someone has “lost out”, it just means they don’t go to our church. We should pray they continue to seek God, but I hope we move away from judging people’s relationship with God based on whether they attend our church or not, that does not feel like our place.
As my husband helpfully says, “our form is not our faith”. Our church form is intended to inspire our relationship with God and his son and bring joy to us with fellowship, if it is no longer doing that for us, when we need to find another avenue for fellowship.
I no longer feel fear of worker retribution. If a worker takes away a ‘privilege’ because I’ve posted my experience or have spoken up, then I’ll just know that worker is self-righteous, lacks empathy and most likely is dangerous to be around. Learning which workers will take away privileges to those who speak up is an excellent filter for what workers you can or can’t trust. I learned this when everything about Dean came out. I finally understand Dean was the one off the path, not me. I shouldn’t have doubted myself all these years and should have followed my instincts and feelings about Dean. Once I had children, God put on my heart to keep myself and my kids far away from Dean. It was a very strong warning in my heart, and I shared with others to be careful around him. I will work on not doubting my instincts anymore; God has given us these instincts to know who’s safe to be around, both spiritually and naturally.
If we fear retribution for sharing our thoughts and concerns, isn’t that the very culture that leads to the abuse that has been covered up? I feel we need to break free from the fear of overseers/workers, and ask that overseers respect our opinions and experiences, and not punish us for speaking up. Breaking free of this fear could lead to a cultural shift of abuse being appropriately dealt with.
I feel we, the friends, need to take some accountability in all that is going on. I feel we, the friends, have given too much power to the workers, power over our emotions, power over how we operate our meetings on our private property, and power over our lives. I want to put my trust in God more than my trust in workers.
On a more positive note, we are truly grateful for so many of the workers. Most of the workers have been such an encouragement to our family and have fed us tremendously! I personally know many workers who have stood up for what is right and are doing the right thing when they see or hear of bad behavior. I know workers who have reported child abuse to the authorities. I know many workers who have listened with open, loving hearts to people and their concerns. So, my hope is that we, the friends, continue to support the workers who are trying to make our church safer.
I hope our fellowship will continue into the future, become safer and more scriptural. I pray that we, the friends, will search our hearts to help with this effort.
WINGS Note: Posted with permission from the author
WINGS for Truth 