CSA-Related Poetry

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Barren Thoughts 

I sit here and wonder how to tell my story.
Just how to let you know.
I once was a little girl who suddenly grew old.
Who was robbed of the childhood she never got to know.
She was 8 when it happened, 22 years ago.
As the adult she was forced to become, I’ll tell the story of the battle that we won.
That battle is hers and mine to endure through this life long trial as one.
I’m almost 30 now and have finally come to realize that I need to set the story free.
To give that once child life within me.
I was sexually abused by my brother who was 11 or 12.
He would sneak into my room at nights, and climb into my bed.
He would touch me with his fingers and explore the parts I had.
He would jump into the shower as I washed away the sin.
He would hide under my bed and catch me undress.
He killed the little girl I was and only left the flesh.
I hold on to many secrets.
Still too afraid to tell.
I was his baby sister condemned to live this hell.
I was in the 8th grade when it suddenly stopped.
Stopped for him that is.
For me it goes on, in dreams that wake me and memories that haunt.
Over and over it happens in my head,
while growing up I pleaded with God for him to make me dead.
To take me out of this world so I couldn’t feel all this pain inside of me.
I was ashamed of me, for everything he had done, why didn’t I say anything, why didn’t I run?
I had noone to talk to and felt so alone.
5 years after it was over my Mom came to me.
Forced me to talk about what happened to that child.
Asked me if I wanted them to talk to him, my brother that made me dead.
I didn’t see what for what was done was done, how could them talking to him help me?
You see, he was their son, This couldn’t happen to them.
They loved their children I must just be wrong.
Sure maybe something happened but it was just something small,
like a pat on the butt while we were playing ball.
It’s best to keep this secret they said.
Noone needs to know.
I was forced again to be all alone.
I struggled with relationships, too afraid to let anyone in.
If I did they’d hurt me and reveal to you my sin.
I couldn’t let anyone touch me.
It hurt too deep inside.
I’d find someone who loved me but I was never worth that gold.
I let them down easy and tell them it’s just not there for me though, I never really knew?
One day I met a man who took me and saved me from another.
He brushed away a fear he must have seen in my heart
and I allowed him to enter without pain, without doubt.
I married that man.
It’s been 11 years since then, he still loves me and I still love him.
We share together two children and my love continues to grow.
It’s almost a happy ending to a story never told.
Still within me haunts the secrets I’ll never forget.
Within me sits a secret Mom told me not to tell.
I live my life afraid.
I let people use me to get the things they want.
I do have opinions, but I never get to share.
I’m afraid they’ll hurt someone or that noone will even care.
I hide inside a future I don’t know I’ll get to see,
one that’s filled with happiness that I myself set free.
Right now I live in silence, yes, I do feel love.
But all this inside of me needs to find a way out.
Before it kills the part of me that allows the sun to come out.
Recently I told my story of how my life became
and called to tell my parents of the secret I let out.
I could hear their anger and suddenly it hit me.
The reason they wanted me to keep that secret wasn’t to help me
but to protect the one who hurt me.
To keep our families pride.
I wasn’t viewed a hero, I was sentenced there to die.
They told me to stop talking just when I’ve just began.
They fear of his reaction to others finding out.
Inside I cry in anger, what about MY heart?
Should I stop it from beating to set my brother free?
Or do I tell my story to help and heal me?
Seems I’m faced with so many decisions and I never know which one to trust.
I want to tell my story just to heal my heart.
To find a place where I belong, one where I am free.
Free to cry if I choose to without a question why.
I go on still wondering what to do.
I’m in a silent prison that noone sees but me.
Inside alone and tired ready to give up.
Give up the fight, give up the hope, give up my beating heart.
In order to save a family that never knew I hurt.
For now I live my life like I’ve been taught to live.
In silence and in pain, alone again behind my bars of sin…

Hope

Fiery night,
windswept days,
a heart that bleeds
hands that pray.
Future is unsure,
I live within the now
every moment passes slowly,
still I survive somehow.
Within his dark eyes
shines the ethereal moon,
he whispers low and soft,
“Soon, my darling, soon.”
The constant beating,
of my ever faithful heart
holds the fragile promise,
“Never will we part.”
So the steady rhythm
of my hopeful life goes on,
now within my hands I hold life,
my past already gone.

 

A Fight I Will Win

I don’t even know who I am anymore,
With all the deceit that has gone on before.
Alone each night, my tears flow free,
An end to my sadness I cannot see.
With each new day, I try once more,
I wonder why, I ask what for?

The past won’t change, what’s done is done,
But I must keep going for my son.
He deserves the love that I’ve never known,
I cannot leave him all alone.
So each new morning I awake,
And put on a smile for my sons sake.

I’ll look to my future, not dwell on my past,
I deserve happiness, I can see that at last.
I tell myself this, but sometimes it’s hard,
My heart has been so deeply scarred.
At the end of the tunnel, there must be a light,
So everyday I continue to fight.

Small Child

This tragedy of life,
A small child torn and hurt,
Her innocence taken away.
So violent was his rage,
So angry the pain…

What’s going on?
What did I do?
Why is he hurting me so, tearing me,
The Pain-
I try to scream and nothing is heard.
Why is he so angry with me?
What did I do to deserve this punishment….
He’s gone now, I lie here bleeding and hurt.

I’m crying, but don’t know why?
Nothing’s happened, not really.
I must have awaken from a bad dream,
I lie shivering, clutching my; pillow,
Finally, crying myself to sleep.

It wasn’t real,
Just an evil nightmare,
The first of many I’m soon to know.
It couldn’t have really happened,
So it doesn’t matter how I feel…

Or does it?

Answers From Within

To all those who search the inner depths

Darkness had surrounded me
With its bitter taste of pain

My thoughts had turned to doubt
Suffering remained

Fear was lingering behind me
A shadow of despair

Does any one care?

Awakening I see ahead of myself
What could be…
What I might find

Then somewhere, from nowhere
I hear a gentle voice
A whisper in my mind

Its me you’re looking for
Here within
This is where I’ve always been.

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