I don’t want this posted with my name because I don’t want the “who” to have any impact on the message. I know this story could belong to many women on the truth.
I would like to ask if anyone is talking about the subject of domestic abuse and child abuse that is not sexual within this fellowship.
I don’t live in California but I can only imagine that the Tenniswood promotion of Catholic doctrine regarding divorce would make the situation I’m about to describe much more prevalent on the west coast.
I was a child, sexually abused by an older child (who went to meeting and whose parents were good friends with my parents). I didn’t tell my parents because, of course, I was raised with the “sex before marriage is sin” rule and no one talked about the difference between consent and non-consent when I was a kid. It only happened once and after that I always stayed with the adults when that teenager was around. However, I carried my “secret sin” around with me for a long time.
When I was a teen, I was very awkward and not very good at conversation, and was constantly aware that I was not a “good catch” because I had this “sin” in my background. I didn’t date and at one point thought I should probably just be a worker because I was not the kind of person anyone would want to marry.
Then I met the person who was to become my husband and oddly, it seemed he was not at all bothered by my report of the abuse I suffered as a child. The fact that he seemed grossly curious about it should have been a red flag but I was much too young to understand that. I also didn’t feel I could talk to my parents about any of this because I believed that anything short of going into the ministry was a huge disappointment to them.
I jumped right into an ill-advised marriage with someone who was 6 years older than me when I was barely out of my childhood.
My marriage was 25 years of continual physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse and gaslighting that turned me into a different person altogether.
At one point, early on, I called law enforcement after he physically attacked me and that went badly. I didn’t recognize the signs of a narcissist at that time, but in hindsight, he was a text book example. His ability to charm and lie to the police and convince them I was just crazy from being postpartum got me charged with domestic violence and convinced me there was no help from the police for abused women. I went home at that time and my parents unknowingly perpetuated his abuse by telling me I needed to return home and work on my marriage and on controlling my temper because marriage is forever.
I know that over the years, many people suspected things were bad for me but I didn’t talk about it. I wanted to believe that maybe some day he would change and come back to the fellowship and I didn’t want him to have to overcome any judgement because I had gossiped about him. I learned to be a “peacemaker”. For me that meant that I learned how to take the abuse quietly and constantly walk on eggshells trying to avoid making him angry.
Many times over the years, I contemplated leaving, but his threats kept me in line. He told me that the friends would look down on me. The workers would look down on me. I’d have to be alone the rest of my life because the friends don’t remarry. He even threatened to do whatever it took to keep me from having my kids if I left him, even going so far as threatening their lives.
Even after he stopped going to meetings, he threatened me with going to talk to the workers, the friends, and my parents if I was “acting crazy”. He bullied me using the workers and scripture as his clubs.
During this time, my parents had started to realize that the California stance on divorce was absolutely not from God, but I still didn’t share the details of my life. I did see them showing compassion to those who had been through divorce and I appreciated that. I was so pleased when my dad even said “it’s obvious people don’t get divorced just because. It’s a horrible experience and not something to be taken lightly.” They were beginning to have their eyes opened to the suffering of people who went through divorce. They acknowledged that the bullying perpetuated by those in the truth was an unnecessary and inappropriate response to someone who had been through what was almost always a very difficult personal experience.
I had decided that as soon as my children were out of the house, I’d leave. I had established a career that would support me. I had started moving things he wouldn’t miss out of the house to storage.
When my youngest son graduated from college, he moved out to live with his fiance because he couldn’t deal with his father’s abuse any longer. My ex husband became so enraged when he realized that the youngest had moved out that he threw me down the stairs and then when I wasn’t badly injured he shoved me down the other half of the flight and said he would kill me. The look in his eyes made me believe he would.
He also contacted a family member of his who reported to the workers that my son was “living in sin”. What followed was an unfortunate contact to my son and his fiance to tell them that they were not welcome in meeting until they got married. It didn’t force them to get married sooner, just made them want to have nothing to do with truth.
The next day, my abuser was gone for a few hours and I called a few amazing humans who showed up and helped me move a few things out of the house. I stayed with a dear work friend for a few days until I found a place to live.
I am incredibly grateful that when my life crumbled apart that day, it was actually the start of an incredible journey of healing: physically, spiritually and mentally.
Imagine my surprise when my family apologized for pressuring me to return. When my family admitted that the near “sainthood” we had bestowed on an aunt who endured decades with an abusive alcoholic and always kept a sweet spirit was not a healthy thing to hold before the girls in the family.
I was pleasantly surprised when the friends in my area were incredibly supportive and loving towards me even though I had left my husband.
But fear of “breaking the rules” and being judged by my brothers and sisters in truth kept me imprisoned in my abusive marriage for a quarter of a century. Witnessing the abuse I lived with had an effect on my children that they are still working to heal from as adults.
Also, my ex-husband was a pervert who exposed my children to pornography and a twisted view of sexuality by talking about how little girls were “going to be a real handful sexually”. He was raised in “Truth” by abusive parents and everyone knew his family was abusive but no one stepped up to report the abuse or help the kids. Cycles of abuse like this are everywhere in this fellowship.
I’ve been scolded at a Wyoming convention for not praying hard enough for my husband because scripture says they can be saved because their spouse prays. I’ve been told I should be praying for him so we can be reconciled. I’ve been told, when visiting Arizona, that as long as I wasn’t planning to remarry it was ok for me to take part in meeting.
These comments make me incredibly sad because it is a pattern of abuse among friends and workers that is considered ok but it’s not! Abuse in a marriage and abuse of children physically and mentally should be no more accepted than CSA. I know we have a long ways to go in purging CSA from the fellowship and that is where all the focus is right now. However, I hope this can be the start of a no tolerance policy towards abuse of all kinds.
Just one of many abused and bullied spouses.
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WINGS for Truth 
THIS!!!
Thank you for sharing!
I am so sorry that you and your children went through this horrible situation.
May you be comfort and heal and your family members also .
Thank you for posting.
Yes. All of this. As a child who grew up in a home full of turmoil and violence, I can say that fear of judgement, the idea that it is more godly to endure abuse than to stand for what is right and no support from those who knew something was off but didn’t want to ask or “get too involved” played a part in our lack of protection as young children.
Also being told by the that if we said anything bad about our family, it would be a sin or that being upset showed a lack of forgiveness and meant our hearts were wrong. I have come to consider this type of message from abusers as a way of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Any intentional misrepresentation of what the Lord thinks or says can be considered that in my opinion.
I can’t help but wonder how our story would have been different if someone- anyone- would have talked early on about the godly responsibility a parent has to protect their children from abuse and the god given responsibility we have as spouses to be our bother’s keeper by refusing to sweep issues under the rug.
If you’re reading this and your family is in turmoil but you are hesitating to reach out to anyone for help please prayerfully read Matthew 18:6 and Matthew 18:15-17 and do what you need to do so that each member of your family can get the help they need.
My heart hurts for you and I am so sorry you had to deal with this. All of this.
At 30, I divorced my (first) husband of almost 7 years because he was a narcissist who regular gaslight me, verbally abused me, and his actions were escalating. He was also very charming and could have a couple hour conversation with someone that I’d been confiding in for 7 months and turn them onto his side. I went to therapy for a year to find out what was wrong with me (because he told me there was something wrong). When I left him, I was told that I would never find a husband who was as good of a catch as he was. I was told there were only 3 biblical reasons to divorce a man (abandonment, adultery, and abuse) and because those didn’t apply to me, I was a terrible woman for divorcing him.
I’m glad I didn’t listen. I chose to confide in people outside the church as I was going through my divorce. And yes, divorce proceedings are not for the faint of heart. At that point I could see a light at the end of the tunnel… a time when I wouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. A time when I could finally live without high cortisol levels in my own home.
As a young girl, I judged people who got divorced. And 10X worse for people who were remarried. I feel it was only natural that I would go through my own dark night of the soul experience to see God’s face shining through and helping me out of that experience. It was a truly humbling experience and, while I am still kind of angry with the people who sided with my ex and would have preferred me to suck it up and be a good professing example, I have moved on. I am remarried. My husband is truly kind, generous, and amazing. Truly. None of the self-righteous “goodness” that can be seen in some professing people.
Your story resonated so much. And I thought I’d just add my own abbreviated version to the mix.
Christ would NEVER abuse the church. NEVER. So the idea of the church being abusive, allowing abuse, hiding abuse, counselling to submit to abuse and being told to not question the authority of the ministry (abuse) is NOT of God. How did we ever come to believe this lie or accept this lie? Abuse of any kind is NOT of God! We have strayed so very far because we gave in to human reasoning that depended on lies and threats to maintain power and authority.
Exactly, Thanks for sharing.
Jesus never used emotional or any other kind of abuse to control anyone.
Using control of any kind to bring people into subjection to the will or agenda of another person is not of God. It is wrong.
Sorry for the terrible situation the author had to live through.
Thank you for sharing your life and testimony with us. The good, the bad & the ugly. I hear you loud and clear!
These eldonites are still amongst us. Thankfully one of them got put to sleep and sounds like another will soon lose his freedom.
On the divorce and remarried issue, which I am also in that class of people.
Imagine if Jesus was here today and we are walking in to the morning meeting together. Would Jesus stop at the door and say “Skip (or any other person) now remember you’re not to have any part in the meeting?”
And to rub it in a bit more the overseers give more status in the fellowship to child molesters and abusers than to us that are divorced and remarried.
Yet I remain hopeful.
Skip Thompson
Thank you very much for this recount. This sort of history is unfortunately very common in ‘The Truth’. The rates of child abuse and spousal abuse are catastrophically high. There is pressure from Workers and Friends on abuse victims to not separate from abusers! There are even many cases of Workers instructing parents to abuse their children! The sorts of abuse listed in this recount are much more inclusive of the total psychology and sociology of much of ‘The Truth’, and much more representative. Much more focus should be put on this sort of behavior, b/c CSA is only just a small component of the total abuse package that is rampant in ‘The Truth’.
The thing is, we have somehow developed a tradition of calling this fellowship “The Truth”, and “The Way”, when in fact neither are true. Jesus Himself said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life …” THE way, THE truth. Jesus is the truth, not this fellowship.
Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us how far we have to go to understand and address abuse of all kinds. So sorry for the pain and distress you experienced.
The stance on divorce is scriptural. It is not based on Catholic ideology. It is also scriptural that remarriage after divorce is considered sin in the eyes of God. The family unit is very important – as society is now learning. There are valid reasons for leaving a spouse – such as abuse – but we must remember that we are looking on the past with today’s knowledge. As the old saying goes – hindsight is 20/20.
You have to be reading the Catholic bible. Remarriage is definitely allowed in the bible, both old and new testaments.
GH, a larger discussion on this topic is ongoing as part of the “connected and concerned friends” group. There have been very in-depth scriptural studies done on this topic which are available there, and that have been widely communicated in the past, including to overseers. I am not communicating my opinion here, just suggesting that the scriptural studies are available if you would like to read more about it.
Where do I find the “connected and concerned friends” group?
to join e-mail your request to garner.shaned@gmail.com
He may know how to share a link with you.
Want all of you to know who have suffered abuse whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual that the sun is rising on all of this. Everything will be exposed.
It is very easy to hide everything in a fellowship like this. Whether that be finances in the form of laundering, shell companies, etc. Easy to hide abusers, pedophiles, or criminals.
With it being very easy, it’s also very easy for an informant to become a minister or for a minister to become an informant. Think of any past or present ministers who wandered into the work with no known professing families or relatives who are professing.
I feel sorry most for the abused and families of the abused and the emotional turmoil to face things like that in a fellowship where the fellow members don’t believe you. I feel sorry also for those who have been influenced and are willingly ignorant of the hypocrisy in this church. It’s not your fault. You feel the need to draw the sword like Peter did to defend Jesus as if Jesus and this fellowship are the same.
Animals bred in captivity can never truly be wild even when they are released. They are damaged and dependent on their capturers.
Important to remember, Jesus never started a church. This church has been in an ongoing investigation for years to gather information.
Think the workers still don’t take a salary? Most of them don’t. Most take what they see necessary. The ones at the top?….
I wholeheartedly concur with what you’ve said. Since this was such an interesting post, I wish it could reach more readers.
Thank you for your bravery. It seems that narcissism is a pre-cursor to abuse and often times to sexual immorality. I am surprised how much pornography is swept under the rug and nobody stops to read the statistics that repeated pornography viewing and repeated masturbation leads down a path to further sexual abuse. Wives are being asked to cover for their husbands and bear the burden of their husband’s sins. We can not “repent” from another persons sins, when the sinner is not held accountable and the person betrayed is made to shoulder the weight of the sin, then the sinner is enabled to continue in the sin. It is so sad to me that you had to endure so many kinds of abuse, but I am glad for the love and care you received when you finally broke free. It is so hard to think of Jesus as the bridegroom if you don’t have a healthy picture of a bridegroom. I hope when you read these posts, even though we don’t know who you are, I hope you feel loved.
Also wanted to add this in case any are looking for support resources: Esther Company is Christian-based and recognizes abuse within the church (any denomination) and marriage. Humans Navigating Betrayal is a private FB group that’s mostly geared toward spousal betrayal (some posts from members get a little vivid and if there was one thing I wish they would change, it would be triggering and descriptive posts). Sometimes it helps to have places to go where you’re more anonymous- fear is such a roadblock in the healing process and often, going to someone we already know is scary because we face the possibility of being ridiculed, accused of lying, further gaslighting, even retaliation. We shouldn’t have to feel that way, but we do because we’ve seen it happen before. Having a safe place to get information, express ourselves, and start healing is so vital!