Tag: harm done by sexual predators

Forgiveness and Sexual Abuse

Trigger warning: quotation of scripture, discussion of sexual abuse in a church context

Summary

This article on forgiveness presents a nuanced exploration of the concept, especially in the context of sexual abuse within church communities. It highlights that forgiveness, while a vital and restorative principle in human relationships and Christianity, has often been misused or weaponised to silence victims and avoid addressing the reality and gravity of abuse.

Key points summarized include:

  • Forgiveness is generally understood as ceasing resentment toward an offender and not seeking revenge. This works well for minor, accidental harms where repentance is present.
  • Sexual abuse, particularly child sexual abuse by adults or more powerful individuals, is very different: it involves intentional, severe harm often without repentance.
  • In cases of sexual abuse, urging victims to forgive can impose an unfair psychological and spiritual burden, suppress legitimate feelings, and discourage accountability and safety measures for offenders.
  • Forgiveness should never be demanded as a condition to avoid consequences or as a way to protect perpetrators. Doing so prioritizes offender comfort over victim wellbeing and community safety.
  • True forgiveness in such contexts is costly, complex, and deeply personal for survivors. It must not be confused with “cheap forgiveness” — a simplistic demand to forget and overlook abuse.
  • Church communities must embrace values of love, protection, and truth, supporting survivors and holding offenders accountable. Placing abuser rehabilitation or reputation over victim support damages trust and complicates recovery.
  • Forgiveness does not erase the need for justice, safety boundaries, or community responsibility.
  • The misuse of forgiveness may be seen as a form of spiritual harm or blasphemy when it becomes a tool to protect abusers under the guise of religious teaching.
  • The article calls for honest, ongoing theological and communal reflection on forgiveness, so it supports healing rather than enabling abuse or silencing survivors.

This thoughtful analysis stresses that forgiveness, while powerful, is not a quick fix or a blanket answer to sexual abuse. It must be understood and applied carefully, prioritizing survivor dignity, justice, and safety above simplistic appeals to forgive. Forgiveness is only part of a broader process of accountability, healing, and community protection.

Summary by Perplexity.ai

Note: AI was not used in the writing of this article, only for the above Summary.

Forgiveness

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

 Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

Matthew 5:23-26

All Bible quotes are from the New International Version, sourced from https://www.bible.com/

Forgiveness can be a truly amazing thing. It can restore broken relationships, keep families functional, and probably even prevent war. It is a very important concept in Christianity and human communities in general. However, the way the word forgiveness is often used in connection with the sexual abuse of children is frustrating and harmful. I’ve seen it weaponised to oppress, silence, marginalise, and avoid dealing with real concerns about real suffering. I have experienced it used as what felt like a silencing tactic, without consideration of whether it was, in fact, absent, or even relevant to the problem we were discussing.

As described by de Vries (2023), “forgiveness is the heartbeat of salvation history and the virtue that should mark the followers of Jesus…but those who seek to control and manipulate others can twist even the very heart of the gospel for their perverted ends.” The sex abuse crisis that currently rocks the “Truth” (or the “2x2s” as they are now called in the media, for lack of an official name) has been caused (at last in part) by decades of this twisting and weaponising of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

I have a suspicion that when we use the word “forgive”, we’re not always talking about the same exact concept of forgiveness. One dictionary definition is:

forgive – as transitive verb

1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon (eg forgive one’s enemies)

2 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for (eg forgive an insult)

   b : to grant relief from payment of (eg forgive a debt)

Merriam-Webster online dictionary https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive, retrieved 27 Nov 2024

In the context of abuse, the meaning that we usually intend is probably: “to give up resentment of or claim to requital”. Another common concept of forgiveness that I absorbed as a young person was the idea that to forgive means to decide not to seek revenge on the perpetrator – to wish them well and even pray for them, instead. We all need to thoroughly consider and clarify what exactly we mean when we use the word “forgiveness” to ensure that we are not talking past each other, or heaping impossible burdens on suffering people.

Facing up to why and how people hurt each other

We all hurt each other at some point. We can’t help it! From toddlerhood to grandparenthood, friendships, marriages, parenting, receptionists, doctors, teachers, politicians…we inevitably hurt other people in ways big or small. We learn in childhood, with the assistance of our community (hopefully), how to mend the rifts caused by our inevitable missteps through daily life.

Most of us don’t want to hurt other people and we feel bad about it when we’re aware of the impact of our actions, and we act to repair the relationship. It might be as simple as “I’m sorry! Are you OK?” after accidentally stepping on a friend’s foot, or a hasty “sorry!” when we bump the stranger in the queue with our elbow. Forgiveness is a great tool to help people mend relationships in the wake of these missteps, when repentance is present, harm is accidental, and harm is on the smaller end of the scale. Giving up resentment of the harassed, tired mother wrangling a hungry, tired toddler after she accidentally stepped on your foot at the checkout yesterday is generally a great thing for the functioning of society and everyone’s sanity and wellbeing!

However, harm can be intentional, or highly predictable, and highly damaging, and not accompanied by repentance or any concern for the impact on the recipient. This is the category I put sexual abuse in, especially the sexual abuse of children by older, more powerful adolescents or adults.

Understanding why people commit these acts is a topic that has spawned many books, articles, theories, and rehabilitation or restorative justice programs. As best I can make out after extensive research, we really don’t fully understand why people commit sexual abuse. Most of us struggle to understand why people do horrible things to other people at all. Under “Recommended Reading” at the end of this article, I have listed some books that I have read and found helpful to provide insight into why and how sexually predatory humans do what they do. I recommend the books by Hinton and Salter in particular for those needing insight into the intentions of, and harm done by, sexual predators. You won’t find definite answers to the “why” question, but useful insight.

Why preaching and discussing “forgiveness” in the context of the ongoing sexual abuse crisis in the church is problematic

Forgiveness is often mentioned in the wake of the harm done by sexual abuse, but in this context, it comes with pretty serious complications. The harassed mother in the queue is almost certainly deserving of forgiveness for standing on your foot – she was already trying not to hurt anyone, and will almost certainly try hard in future not to step on anyone else’s foot while shopping with her toddler. She can safely be let go without consequences or resentment.

The repeat adult sexual offender against small children, though…or the serial murderer…now we’re talking about something very different. The opportunist adolescent who offends once against a child while struggling to process sexual trauma of their own is a different situation again – but the harm they’ve done is likely also very far from that of the harassed foot stepping mum’s action.

Returning to our definition of “forgive” – ”to give up resentment of or claim to requital for”…when sexual abuse victims are told to forgive, because Jesus said to forgive (or the secular psychological idea that it is healthier for victims to forgive), they are usually being told to cease all bad feelings about the offender and their abusive actions AND to forgo legal pathways to consequences for the perpetrator.

Telling victims to “just forgive” their abuser, as “the answer” to “their problem” presents an issue of serious, intentional misuse of one human being by another as really an issue of an individual’s attitude to the one committing the harm. It heaps psychological and spiritual pressure on a victim to behave or feel in a certain way that may not even be possible for them (or anyone) right now (and maybe never). It sidesteps the real ongoing impact the victim must live with, and enactment of accountability and safety practices for the offender and their community.

In my opinion, from my observations and reading around sexual abuse, especially in church contexts, preaching forgiveness at sexual abuse victims is an attempt to deflect from harm done to individuals and to the community. “You just need to forgive” acts as a thought-stopping cliche (Klenk, 2025). It is an attempt to avoid making the effort to deal with such a complex and unpleasant issue. (Another similar statement which closes down discussion around sexual abuse is “I don’t want to lose my peace” (MacLernon, 2025)). Other reactions to disclosure also contribute to the internalised shame victims suffer from and do additional damage (Spring, 2021).

With or without forgiveness, psychological harm to survivors is ongoing, as is the risk of physical and psychological harm that the offender presents to future victims. Survivors have to deal with the damage done in their life, as well as personally holding the offender to account if possible, and trying to keep other possible victims safe from them. Deflecting from the work required by using forgiveness as a silencing or avoidance mechanism only puts the possible next victim in danger, rather than acting to reduce further harm by holding the perpetrator accountable and setting up boundaries to keep the vulnerable safe.

The community must wrestle with the aftermath of sexual abuse together, rather than leaving the victims alone to do the hard work and suffer from the stress of trying to save everyone around them from their offender. Many victims do forgive their offender – sometimes offenders even appear to be repentant. However, forgiveness is a personal thing, for the victim, or between the victim and God. Repentance is a personal thing and is for the perpetrator to work on, NOT the victim as abuse is NOT their fault. The existence of forgiveness and/or repentance does not alter the fact that the community must protect and support victims, and cannot predict with any accuracy whether an abuser will reoffend. Forgiveness “does not erase consequences or remove the need for justice” (Grillo, 2025). Similarly, “if forgiveness was the toleration of sin, no government could enforce the law” (Vieth, 2012).

Upon reading the recommended books about the behaviour of offenders, it will become abundantly clear to anyone that many abusers are master deceivers and manipulators and the community cannot with any certainty determine their true attitude. Be careful when offenders ask for forgiveness or claim to have repented – this can be just more manipulation of victims or for show to mislead and reassure the community.

Values and ethos of the church community

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these. Mark 12:30-31

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:35

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Selected verses (2, 4-7) from 1 Corinthians 13

Using forgiveness to suppress further discussion and action regarding sexual abuse appears to prioritise the comfort of the perpetrator over those they have harmed in the past and may harm in future. When churches prioritise the feelings of alleged and convicted sex abusers, survivors see a community that is not living up to its professed moral and ethical values, and that cannot be trusted to protect the vulnerable.

Part of recovery from sexual abuse involves regaining trust and agency. Church support of abusers at the expense of victims does nothing to further this cause – in fact, it makes recovery efforts much, much more complicated and difficult. It also does very little to improve the character of the perpetrator, who may justifiably believe they have successfully taken care of the problem without further action (remorse, amends, change of church role, character development etc).

A retired Anglican priest (Parsons, 2018) described this issue using the idea of cheap versus costly forgiveness:

Cheap forgiveness and real forgiveness are two quite different currencies. The Church authorities seem in some places only to understand the first kind, the ‘forgive and forget’ option. Those who are survivors want them to begin to grapple with and understand the second kind, the incredibly costly task of moving forward with lives, even though the burden of abuse has left them with a legacy of acute pain. Somewhere, somehow, that path may eventually open itself up to the costly form of forgiveness. No one pretends that this is ever straightforward or easy. Among the many things that survivors ask from church leaders is the recognition of the difficulties of their struggle to move on and to flourish again. They ask to be considered as partners in the long journey which the whole church must take to put right the atrocious events of the past. For that, they must be regarded as allies, not as enemies to be defeated or litigants to be threatened with legal actions. Churches need all the help they can get in this undertaking. They need the survivors and perhaps in the end they need the State to help them protect children and the vulnerable from harm.

Back to values and community ethos…love, the greatest commandment of them all according to Jesus, “does not dishonor others…is not self-seeking…does not delight in evil…always protects (1 Corinthians 13). Do these values sound like those of someone who commits sexual abuse repeatedly with no downstream behaviour consistent with true repentance, or no acknowledgement of the serious harm they have done to someone else, a child victim, their family?

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

Matthew 7: 1-6

Observant readers will notice that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13). Other observant readers will wonder why Jesus’ command “do not judge” (Matthew 7:1-6) has not been discussed. Anyone who believes that these Bible verses rule out reporting of abuse to authorities or putting boundaries in place around sex offenders needs to consider whether they would forgo the usual police report and insurance claim when their car gets broken into and important possessions stolen. Sexual abuse is thievery on an epic, life changing scale, of future earnings, relationships, self esteem, peace, and possibly even reproductive rights and healthy functioning to name a few things. We can throw scripture bombs at each other all day but that does not prevent or ameliorate serious harm. It could be suggested that judging victims for judging sex offenders for damaging them might be rather like complaining about the speck in the victim’s eye and missing the giant plank in the perpetrator’s and congregation’s eyes.

Some relevant quotes from the book “The Devil Inside” (Hinton, 2021)

It’s strange to me when church leaders’ theology is “grace for all,” except for victims who were raped as children and have the guts to speak up about it. Many survivors have told me that they, not their abusers, were removed from church because they were “causing problems” by speaking up about their abuse and were crying out for help. Often abuse survivors are painted as “too bitter, too reactive, too emotional, and too jaded,” simply for telling the truth about the abuse. It’s no wonder that victims often don’t tell anyone when they are abused. Imagine showing up to a hospital, only to have doctors and nurses gang up on you and shame you for telling them that you are bleeding out. This response would make you want to never step foot inside a hospital again.

– Chapter 13: What I learned from consulting with churches

False foundations are why survivors are told to forgive and move on. It’s why churches keep insisting on inviting in and even hiring convicted child rapists. Literally nothing is required of the abuser while the heavy burden of forgiving and reconciling is placed on the shoulders of the abused. It makes no sense if we really understand God’s foundation of righteousness and justice. Righteousness requires people to behave righteously. Justice requires those who do not to be rebuked and kept away from anyone they intend to harm.

– Chapter 14: Theology and deception

Unforgiveness, blasphemy, and God’s reputation

Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. Therefore I tell you, people will be forgiven for every sin and blasphemy, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Matthew 12:30–32

One meaning of “blasphemy” is “the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence for God”.

Merriam-Webster dictionary online (merriam-webster.com/dictionary/blasphemy), accessed 26 Nov 2024

In a church setting, preaching “forgiveness” at sexual abuse victims can imply that God is on the perpetrator’s side, and doesn’t care very much about the wellbeing of those they’ve hurt (or may hurt in future). This is especially the case when the perpetrator is in the ministry or has the status of an elder, or the “forgiveness” talk comes from the ministry. Perhaps it could be considered that to use God’s Word to weaponise forgiveness against victims (thereby turning His church into a haven for child sexual abusers) in his name is actually insulting God, i.e. committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, the unforgivable sin. That seems worth serious consideration!

Final comments

Christianity spreads the message that if you love and forgive people they will be overwhelmed by it and decide to be better – Jesus died for your sins, follow him etc. However, love is not a magic fix for serious problems. It may well have redemptive power, but free will and choice is also at work, as well as other complicated things about the human mind and body that even the psychologists and neuroscientists are still debating and discovering.

Some things to ponder:

  • What kind of ethos do you want your community to have – or what do you believe are its values? Is it behaving in a manner consistent with these? Does the Holy Spirit really tell your community to cover up sexual abuse and blame the victims for trying to keep other children safe?
  • Where is the forgiveness of victims for being angry, sad, struggling with faith, speaking out etc, even if you really believe they are in the wrong?
  • Your assumptions that if victims are requesting boundaries for their own health, or needing to report the offending to protect others, they must have “not forgiven”, are inaccurate and hurtful. Forgiveness doesn’t help survivors sleep at night secure in the knowledge that others are safe from the offender.
  • Survivor forgiveness of their perpetrator (who harmed THEM directly, and the community indirectly) is not the same as the church community “forgiving” in a general vague sense and rehabilitating perpetrators into meetings – the degree and type of harm done differs – the congregation cannot “forgive” on behalf of the victim, or over the head of the victim! An entire article could be written on this alone.

    Please check out some of these books and articles. We all, believers or not, church members or not, 2x2s or Baptists or Catholics, have a lot of work ahead of us as a community to support survivors and make the next generation safer than we were among our people. We need to wrestle with theology around things like forgiveness rather than weaponising it or looking for quick shortcuts to deal with abuse.

Author: One of many anonymous survivors of abuse in the 2×2 church, and author of: Book Review: The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids In Our Home And Church For Decades And How I Finally Stopped Him

References

Recommended Books

  • Hinton, J. (2021). The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids In Our Home And Church For Decades And How I Finally Stopped Him. United States: Freiling Publishing.
  • Peck, M. S. (1983). People of the Lie. United States: Touchstone.
  • Salter, A. (2004). Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, And Other Sex Offenders. United States: Ingram Publishing Services.
  • Sapolsky, R. M. (2017). Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst. United Kingdom: Penguin Publishing Group.